A Journey To Joy
The story of my journey of transformation
By: Marcia Martin
Sometimes change is instantaneous happening in a split second because of an unexpected or unwanted event.
Other times change is a slow, excruciatingly, long, painful journey. Water drip, drip, dripping upon the rock until at long last the form inside the stone is released and the beautiful inner being can finally be seen.
Yet no matter how change begins, it can always become a journey to joy.
The Journey Begins
“You’re a sullen little girl and no one wants to play with someone who acts like you. Go in your room and stay there until you can act better.” My mother ordered yet again.
“She’s just average, she should be pleased with a grade of C. It’s right in the middle of the grading scale, neither good or bad, just average.” My third-grade teacher explained.
“You’re a sinner condemned to hell and you’ll never leave that fiery pit unless you renounce your sinful ways and return to God.” The preacher thundered from the pulpit. Quaking in fear and confusion I edged closer to the comforting presence of my grandmother.
“We don’t want to pay that much for lessons but if you’re really interested, they’ve agreed to lower the cost in exchange for cleaning services. During the week you get to muck out stalls in the barn and on the weekends you can clean their house.” My parents announced in grandiose tones that indicated they were pleased to offer me this opportunity to be of service.
“Why are you down here hiding away all alone? Don’t you have any friends?” My gregarious older sister asked.
“You should be satisfied you have a job and grateful to be making $8000.00 a year teaching. After all, you’ve got the summer’s off.” My father announced. Shaking his head he continued, “You’ve always been ungrateful.”
A thousand stones of discouragement and disappointment piled one atop another gathered to become a mountain, a tomb from which I could find no escape. Instead of a happy child living a carefree life ready to enter adulthood filled with joyous expectation, I had become an overburdened adult living to serve others. Happiness was a foreign concept and failure was my secret best friend. Living to serve others but never to serve my self became my mantra. I took my disappointment and my sorrow and swept it under the rug.
The Descent Into Hell
As time went on, life continued to present challenges and complications and the servant in me was always willing to get up and answer the door. It didn’t matter how difficult, how long, how late or how ridiculous the request. I had been conditioned to serve.
As mid-life loomed I found myself living in the hell of my own creation. There I was with a less than average life, lonely, lost and confused. No matter the worldly success I achieved, the inner landscape never shifted. Accolades for a job well done were expected, after all, I lived to serve, but there were no honors that warmed the heart of the sad and secretly unhappy child who lived inside me but never made herself known. I faced the world with a bright smile, an abundance of good cheer and the willingness to work long and hard but the nights were spent holding back tears, escaping between the covers of a book or solving someone else’s problems. There was never time spent dealing with my own unhappiness. The mountain under the rug grew taller.
Not surprisingly, the glue holding my life together began to give way. The cracks in the foundation widened and I suddenly found myself on the brink of financial destitution. With little incentive to find a way out and no backup plan, I was in trouble. Feeling lost, unhappy and hopeless had become a daily routine. It was as familiar as pushing the covers from my body and getting out of bed every morning so I could go to work in the warehouse filled with promises but no follow through. Not loving myself had landed me the job, believing the lies of grandeur had kept me there and now unexpected expenses were burying me on the premises.
Desperation Provided the Motivation
In desperation, I reached out one last time. One more attempt before I gave up and then gave in to the overwhelming darkness. One last grasp toward something desired before I sank forever beneath the swampy, murky waters of mediocrity and failure.
The brochure had promised the class would teach about the law of attraction and manifestation. Arriving filled with expectation but not daring to hope, I took a seat near the back. As a people pleaser, I had come prepared with notebook and pen, but as the mediocrity I believed myself to be, I was afraid to be noticed. There would be no hand raising or shining star accolades for this desperate soul.
“I’m a beloved child of God, my life is filled with joy and magic,” the instructor gushed from the front of the room.
My ears perked up, my entire being rose out of the doldrums where it had been living and my breath caught in my throat. She was loved by God. Her life was filled with joy. Does that mean mine can be happy and joy-filled too?
I wanted to get up and dance around the room, joy was quickly becoming a possibility. Holding my breath, I waited. Any minute now she was going to say the magic words. She was going to tell me how I, too, could become a beloved child of God and fill my world with joy. That moment passed and then another and when I came back into the room, she had moved on to another subject and with her went my hope.
She was beloved and I was not. She was worthy and I was not. She had everything she wanted and I did not. She wasn’t going to share her joy, her secret or her success, she was a beloved child of God, but not I.
My spirit was completely crushed. I didn’t want to look for answers. I was done. Hell was where I’d arrived and hell was where I’d stay. It was just too painful to look elsewhere, to try again or to believe that I, too, could earn the coveted prize of a beloved child of God. It’s just too hard, I thought to myself. I’m not even sure what a spiritual journey, the authentic self or the law of attraction is.
God and the Angels to the Rescue
However, God and the angels weren't done with me yet and later that same month, I was introduced to the work of Abraham Hicks as well as many other profound teachers. Piercing through my haze of delusion their words leapt off the page, “The reality you’re now experiencing is a product of the vibrational offering you’ve held leading up to this moment.”
I was stunned. How could my reality be my fault? Who would choose this? Hadn’t I become what others told me I should become? Wasn’t I the innocent victim in all of this? Shoving the book aside quickly, I stormed out of the room.
“No one in their right mind would choose to live the life I’ve been living. They must be crazy!” I shouted to the empty room. Or maybe they knew something that I needed to learn, perhaps they knew the secret that had always eluded me.
I wasn’t ready to face the truth that day but a seed had been planted, a hunger had been unleashed and the bloom of possibility had begun to open. I could have it all if I would just accept full responsibility for my thoughts and feelings. Hmmm. I argued back and forth with myself in my mind as I tried to convince myself that it just wasn’t possible. I wasn’t the one producing the thoughts I was thinking, I wasn’t the one welcoming in disaster and destruction, I didn’t have control over my life and circumstances or did I?
If I was in charge, I had a big clean up job in front of me. Years of conditioning, layers of negative thinking, lifetimes of self-abuse and debauchery. I was overwhelmed. Where should I begin, who could help me through the maze of darkness I’d created so I could find a way out into the light?
I begged God but didn’t expect an answer, so I wasn’t able to hear the gentle prompting, the assurance that I was loved and valued or see the many signs of confirmation that were sent my way. Yet, despite my inability to participate in my healing journey, I was neither forgotten or abandoned. God didn’t meet me halfway, they met me all the way.
Walking the Road to Freedom
My first stop on the road to joy and freedom was the library. I’m an avid reader so going to the library always brings me joy. God met me there amidst the stacks of books on religion and spirituality. I wasn’t looking for a religion, religion had tried to box me in and hold me down so I was making a clean break with religion. What I wanted was a closer walk with God. An understanding of why. Why did God allow bad things to happen in my life and the lives of others? Why were some blessed with everything and others cursed with nothing? If God was a loving, caring and just God, why was the world a cruel and unloving place? I had nothing but my hurt, anger and disappoint to take with me on my journey but they acted as a divining rod. Pointing me toward the books that would lift me from my victim-based depression into a place of responsibility, love and joy.
As I read, I grew to understand. That which I perceived to be unfair was me failing to comprehend the truth. That which I cursed as darkness was me failing to see the light in all things and that which I blamed for my failure was me failing to take responsibility for my own greatness. God was neither unfair or the creator of my darkness. It was my free will, my choice of thought, word and deed that had put me on the road that led into the darkness and if I was willing to exchange my lies for the truth my Creator was sharing, then I would be able to step back out into the light, the place where unconditional love was shared equally with all.
Learning to Trust
Little by little the pain of failing began to be replaced by the power of comprehension. Instead of looking at my life and my choices as inevitable products brought on by circumstances outside of my control, I now looked at everything I was experiencing and followed the thread. What initial thought or decision sent me down this path? Am I excited and delighted by the resulting circumstances or do I need to change direction, make a more thoughtful decision or take a fresh look at the situation? Instead of assigning blame to anyone, including myself, I choose to empower myself and others. As I grew in both my understanding and the acceptance of my responsibility for my life, the feelings of shame and unworthiness also dropped away. I didn’t wake up one day and find myself at the top of the mountain filled with enlightenment, no, I learned every step of the way. Sometimes my progress was slow, akin to a painful crawl up a steep path but other times it was free flowing and filled with joy. Along the way, I stumbled and at times even fell from the path but instead of condemning my mis-steps I encouraged myself to get up and get back on the freedom trail. With time, patience and perseverance I made it to a place of grace.
Grace is a state of joy. A state in which you no longer wonder if you’re loved and cared for by your Creator, because you know, with certainty, that you are. Grace is the end product of empowerment. My thoughts are not generated by a source outside of myself, they’re produced by me. I’m responsible for what I’m thinking, how I allow those thoughts to affect me and what I choose to believe. If I believe good things will happen, that blessings will find me and that my life is Divinely guided and protected then that’s what I’ll experience. If I believe, as I did previously, that life is random, chaotic and out of my control, I’ll then assume that I must live in a state of anxiety and fear. Consequently, I’ll attract and create events that match that thinking, thereby, proving myself right. No matter what I believe, I know I will always create circumstances that match. Now, I’ve stopped running from my beliefs, hiding under the covers from them or hoping they won’t find me. I look carefully and honestly at what I’m allowing to be part of my energetic vibration. If it doesn’t promote health and vitality; if it doesn’t bring me joy or lift me to a new higher height of unconditional love, it’s not welcome in my life.
Continuing The Journey
Yes, it’s work. I work at it every day. I don’t give myself a vacation and I don’t act as if my thoughts have no consequences. I know better. I know my thoughts, my words and my feelings are powerful so I carefully choose those that will support me. I’ve served my time in the darkness of ignorance and I’m glad to be released from that prison. Now I’m living in the light of understanding and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be free.
It’s not an impossible dream. No matter where you start all roads lead to heaven. However, this journey is completely up to you. You may choose to never begin and your life will continue as it is now on a slow, steady decline into nothingness or you can begin today, this minute, this very second by making the choice to start. To begin holding yourself accountable for the thoughts you’re thinking and the words you’re speaking. You can begin by honoring yourself for all that you already are as you congratulate yourself for taking this vitally important first step toward your joy and freedom. You can begin wherever you are just by saying to yourself, “I’m ready to discover who I really am. I’m ready to tap into my greatness, to become my authentic self and I’m ready to do the work necessary to allow the shackles of past conditioning, beliefs and failures to drop from me. I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to find joy. I’m ready to live.”
I’ve exchanged the darkness of the hell I’d created for myself out of ignorance for the brightness of the heaven that is now mine by choice, I invite you to do so as well. Let us travel on the journey to joy, together.
Marcia Martin M Ed – The Heart Healer, is a spiritual life coach and channel who specializes in helping you heal from pain, trauma, abuse, limiting beliefs, and negative thinking so you can become victorious in all areas of your life. Calling upon her extensive education and her intuitive gifts as well as angelic assistance, she’ll bring you a breakthrough in gentle transformation. Using her proprietary method: The Angel Heart Healing Technique, she guides you in accessing the memories that are holding you, prisoner. By eliminating the unconscious program that’s running in the background and sabotaging your life, you become victorious and experience true freedom and unending joy.
Marcia will help you release your greatest fear so you can achieve your biggest dream. It's time for you to be victorious, to heal your heart and transform your life.
Schedule your complimentary, thirty-minute Angel Heart Healing Breakthrough consultation at https://www.mmhearthealer.com/coaching or join the Healing Hearts Community at https://www.mmhearthealer.com/community and be supported by Marcia and other like-minded individuals who are committed to spiritual growth.